Feedback On My Script

This time we pre-prepared drafts for our film openings so that we could give and receive feedback on each others work. These drafts used the correct spacing, font and layout.

The positive point for my draft of "SHOT" were:
-Good opening to hook viewers.
-Good characters.
-Gave a detailed image of what was happening in the scene, at points.
-Fits the genre it's supposed to.

Points to improve were:
-Lack of Mise-en-Scene.
-Need a better understanding of the relationship between the characters.

How I plan to improve:
-The mise-en-scene can be improved easily. It wasn't that I'd forgotten to include it, I had just forgotten to write about it in the script. The're multiple ideas I have concerning communicating information about the characters to the audience. An example of things I plan to have with-in frames with characters are pictures with relevant images, televisions with relevant images, clothing colour and possibly religious symbols near or on them at points.
-As for the relationship between characters, I believe that just from reading the script it was unclear of who they were in relation to each other. Hopefully, when I have produced the opening, it will be clear who they are to one another.
-Another frequent comment was 'Is there music here?" Or "Is there non-diabetic sound at this point?" Throughout I have parts which require music or non-dialectic sound. I did not include mentions of it in the script because it was a draft to get others to understand the concept.

Here is my script (The layout on my blog is not the same as the actual script layout):

"SHOT"

WRITTEN BY

BEN WOODIER

FADE IN:

EXT. FIELD - DAY - DREAM SEQUENCE

RILEY IS FACING NICHOLAS, WHO HAS HIS BACK TURNED. THEY'RE STANDING 3 METRES APART.
RILEY RAISES HIS GUN AND AIMS AT NICHOLAS.
THE CAMERA PEERS OVER NICHOLAS'S LEFT SHOULDER TO VIEW RILEY.

RILEY

I'M SORRY, NICHOLAS.

RILEY FIRES THE GUN. NICHOLAS FALLS OVER, DEAD. RILEY THEN PULLS THE GUN UPON HIMSELF, AIMING AT HIS CHIN. HE SQUINTS HIS FACE AS HE BEGINS SQUEEZING THE TRIGGER.

CUT TO:

INT. RILEY'S BEDROOM - MORNING

RILEY WAKES UP. HE HAS THE SAME FACIAL EXPRESSION AND IS BREATHING HEAVILY AND MILDLY SWEATING.

A MOBILE PHONE IS RINGING.

RILEY ANSWERS THE PHONE.

RILEY

HELLO?

EILIF(OVER PHONE)

IT HAPPENED AGAIN. DIDN'T IT RILEY.

A LOOK OF PANIC ENTERS RILEY. HE TURNS TO THE SIDE OF HIS BED AND PUTS THE PHONE DOWN, THEN SINKS HIS HEAD INTO HIS HANDS.

CAMERA PULLS BACK AS THE TITLE SEQUENCE FADES ONTO SCREEN.

CUT TO:

INT. RILEY'S LOUNGEH - MORNING

RILEY AND NICHOLAS ARE SITTING DOWN ON CHAIRS, FACING EACH OTHER.

NICHOLAS

I DON'T GET IT, MAN. THEY'RE JUST DREAMS, RIGHT? THEY DONT MEAN ANYTHING.

RILEY

THEY'RE NOT DREAMS... THEYRE... REAL.

NICHOLAS

REAL? HOW ARE THEY-

RILEY (INTERUPTING)

IT'S... WEIRD. THEY'RELIKE MEMORIES, MEMORIES FROM THE FUTURE.

NICHOLAS

FUTURE? DO YOU REALIZE HOW CRAZY THAT

RILEY (INTERUPTING)

I KNOW... I KNOW...

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT.STREET - DAY

NICHOLAS IS WALKING. HIS PHONE BEGINS TO RING AND HE ANSWERS.

NICHOLAS

HELLO?

EILIF(OVER PHONE)

NICHOLAS, IT'S EILIF. THERE'S BEEN A CHANGE OFF PLAN. YOU'RE... NO LONGER NECESSARY.

THE CAMERA PEERS OVER NICHOLAS'S LEFT SHOLDER TO VIEW A GUNMAN. A GUNSHOT IS FIRED.